Poly Passionate

Opening up more...

2012-02-06T13:12:00.000-08:00

Not updated in a couple months. Haven't really felt like updating. I do have some updates though. I met D's parents. We went out of state to visit them. Stayed the weekend. They were a bit unsure of the poly relationship, but they seemed to like me alright. I believe that they did like me. We didn't take the husband or the kids. Kind of a slower transition. Maybe next time, we'll take the rest of the family.

We're talking about marriage and kids and all the things that he said he never wanted. His brother's fiance was blown away by his change of attitude and made the comment that it "only takes one girl".

I'm still so happy. I get happier everyday. My husband has an interested party, but it's slow going and hopefully it goes somewhere. It's still really new and not a definite.

More updates to come. Maybe I'll elaborate more later.

WHY SO OVERLY SEXUAL?!

2011-12-13T06:17:00.000-08:00

Tiny rant.....poly people being overly sexual in presenting the lifestyle online. I get it, most poly people are all excited about lots of sex. I get it. Some of us, are not. I'm more into connecting and falling in love and being loving and supportive to my partners. I get more excited about holding hands and cuddling and talking than getting into super sexy time. I have some odd fetishes and weird turn-ons, but that's not why I am poly. I'm poly because I love multiple partners, not because I sex multiple partners.

Honestly, I don't care how other people live their lives. Freedom of choice and love and all that. I'm just irritated that a majority of the poly online present is predominantly sexual. In any case, it's just my opinion, and now my lovely pet peeve. As a pet, I shall name it Squibbles.

So, more updates....

2011-12-12T15:11:00.000-08:00

I obviously suck at blogging. I do not schedule well. I'm only now seeing that I've actually gotten comments from someone that I really wanted to get to know, and now, my blog hasn't been maintained for months. Over a year since my last update, I guess it's hard to write when you know that no one is reading. I feel as though, I really should write, even if just one person reads it and takes something away from it. If just one person feels less alone in the world, then I guess it's all worth it.

So, in the past year. My boyfriend and I split up. Just wasn't meant to last. We we together for about 14 months or so. We ended pretty amicably, took a long time away from each other, and now we are pretty much friends. There's tension between my ex and my husband, but it's fine. They never were close.

I'm now with a new guy whom we'll call D. We've been together for 6 months. We had a really interesting story. I spent months trying not to fall for him while I was trying to make things work with my ex, and then when my ex decided that he was done. I began talking with my crush about whether or not he would ever consider a poly relationship.

We were already pretty good friends, and things have just fallen into place. Things were so much work with my ex. Every single thing was an issue to be dealt with. With D, it's just life and living. I'm pretty grateful to have him.

We've been together for 6 months. He's met most of my family, my kids love him, he's told his family about us and my husband's family knows about him. My younger sister even told me that she never agreed with my last relationship, but now that she's met D and sees how our family works, she totally understands now.

Not all relationships work, some are meant to teach you things and then end, so you'll be better prepared for the next. I know that my ex and I weren't suppose to be forever, but it taught me what it needed to and then it was over and I'll never regret it.

Long distance relationship

2010-09-15T09:46:00.000-07:00

Do they work?

I have no idea, but I am in the process of starting one. I think. I met a wonderful guy on a social network, and things just clicked. I don't know why or how. It just happened.

Long distance relationships just scare the crap out of me. To me, LDR just means "someone to occupy my time until I find someone closer". I have never really felt secure in a long distance relationship, and I don't feel secure in this long distance crush either. In any case, I guess I am riding it out to see where it goes.

Here's hoping that the ride is worth the heartbreak.

8 months and counting.

2010-09-13T08:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it is going on 8 months since we dove headfirst into this poly relationship as a last ditch effort to make things work. The first few months were hell, it nearly all fell to pieces more than once, but things have since calmed down and everyday life has pretty much taken over. For me and my family, my husband and my boyfriend and my children, things are just about as normal as they ever were.

Sometimes, it still seems so surreal to me. I find myself getting lost in thought, wondering how in the world I got here. Wondering how in the world, I ended up with my two greatest loves, getting to keep them both, not having to sacrifice what was in my heart for what was expected of me. It hits me hardest during the quiet times, laying on my boyfriend's chest, I will silently debate in my mind whether or not this is some crazy dream.

I have loved both of these men for so long. I never even chanced to dream that this would be a reality one day. I never for one second, believed that I would be able to be happy in life. For my whole life, I have been told that I am wrong, broken, different and I needed to conform. I nearly gave up. I nearly died inside trying to conform.

Luckily, I had these two wonderful men, who could see me for who I was and accepted me fully. They built me back up, gave me the confidence to stand up and be who I was. They loved me not despite my differences, but because of them. Someone once told me that I must be "one hell of a woman" to have two men. I don't think I am. I don't think that I am anything more than the next girl. If I am anything, I am just luckier than most.

If there is anything that I do that contributes to being able to maintain a relationship like this it is the fact that I give all that I can and expect little back in return. That doesn't mean that I just take abuse and neglect, I don't. I don't have to, I just love without expectations. I don't expect my love to change either of my partners. I fell in love with all of them, every one of their quirks, flaws, and personality traits. I support them in what they wish to change in themselves or what they stand for.

Other guy friends say that it's my confidence and attitude that make it so easy for people to fall for me. I would have never been so confident if it weren't for the support I get everyday from my husband and my boyfriend, whom is also my best friend. I wouldn't be anything without them.

Maybe I am laying in a coma somewhere after so horrible accident and this is my dream life. Like, that one episode of Bones, where Booth is in a coma and he's living his fantasy life with Brennan.

Yeah, I get that most people's fantasy life would include not struggling with money, or bills, or crazy exs but that's not how I roll. All I need in life is love and family and that is what I have. I have attained my goals in life. Now, all I have to do is keep them intact as I deal with what life throws at me. I think I have a good start.

Icons

2010-09-07T07:54:00.000-07:00

So, I am always looking for icons, avatars and graphics to send on social networking sites, but being poly makes most of those just seem silly. "Your the only one for me" just doesn't work for me. You know? So, being a dabbler in the graphic design biz, I decided to give it a go. Being busy and easily distractable. I've only got one icon done so far, but here it is.

Dating. The harder you try, the worse it is.

2010-08-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

As it has been stated, I have two committed partners and I'm very happy and very much in love with the both of them. The thing is, I didn't mean for this to happen. It just did. I fell in love with my CP completely by accident. Being poly isn't something that I went out looking for, it's just something that was. It has always been easy for me to fall in love, and struggling against it while trying to stay monogamous nearly broke me as a person. All of the low points in my life, were caused by the inner turmoil of feeling like I was broken. That something was wrong with me, that I would never be happy. It was such a crushing, suffocating, deadly pain to know that I had a nearly perfect man who loved me and wanted to give me the world that gave me all of himself, and it still wasn't good enough. Yet, if I tried to leave, I was equally as tormented without him.

When I fell in love with my CP. That feeling of being broken and feeling so lost and torn faded and eventually left me completely. I finally felt like a whole human being. I finally felt alive and living. I didn't feel like I was merely existing anymore.

So, having found such happiness and completeness in being poly, you would think I would be all for my partners finding such happiness for themselves, right? Well, not really. I am supportive, I want my CPs to find other partners to share their love with and to share their life with, but I am not okay with the way the feel the need to go about it.

Both my husband and my CP feel the need to go actively searching for another partner. They stress about it. Join dating sites, put out ads. They are depressed that there pursuits aren't panning out. They wonder why no one wants them or why they can't get a date. And I'm left here comforting them, trying to be compassionate and soothe their broken egos, while inside I'm screaming "LOOK, I'M HERE. WHY IS MY LOVE NOT ENOUGH!!"

In the past, I have drawn great pleasure from one of my partners being in a relationship with another. With this experience to draw from, I am very confidant that the feelings I am dealing with aren't the normal jealousy one feels in a relationship. I hesitate to even name these feelings because to me they aren't really jealousy, but maybe more like disappointment, but not really.

I have never fallen in love with someone that I was actively looking for. I fall in love quite easily, but it always starts out as friends. I meet someone new and interesting and we become friends and the more I talk, the more I fall. I guess, it's just my disappointment with their impatience of wanting something more. It hurts me that they can't just let things fall into place and leaves me feeling inadequate. I know without a shadow of a doubt that they both will find loving relationships outside of the ones we share, and I know when the time comes I will be so happy for them. They are both such amazing men. They have so much to offer, but are so focused on attaining a goal, not developing a relationship. That they just can't focus on what they have and be happy in knowing that they ARE worth something. They are worth the world to me. I would be lost without them.

To me, it feels like they are dooming themselves from the start. By focusing on the goal of meeting a person for a specific intention, they are limiting themselves and putting undue pressure on all potential meetings. It hurts me to see them hurt, and it just seems like I am powerless to stop this constant stream of blows to their own self confidence. I wish they could just see themselves through my eyes for one moment, and realize that they just need to be themselves and things will fall into place. I wish is that they could focus on what they do have a little more and less on what they don't have. I just want them to be happy.

And so starts the school year...

2010-08-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

School for my eldest starts tomorrow. I've met his teachers and a couple of parents. I feel really good about this. I think his school is a good school and I'm excited myself. Not only for him, but for me too. This is a new chapter in everyone's life here at our house.

Things have calmed on the relationship front. Everyone seems to be getting along rather well. CP has been spending some quality time here at the house with H and I. That has been nice. We were all friends in the beginning and it's nice to get back to that now.

I have picked up some new ambitions which involve working harder to express myself creatively, being me sociable, spending more time doing awesome things with my kids. Now only if there were like 37 hours in a day.

I've started reading more, writing more, hoping to get into creating more art. Working on unplugging my life and being more in the now with real people. It's tough when the internet is so enticing. And I don't think I've mentioned my unhealthy love of sleep. I reaaaaaallly love to sleep. That being sad, it is bedtime and tomorrow is my little man's first day of Kindergarten. So, Goodnight.

Sometimes, you're wrong....and it's a good thing.

2010-07-28T13:19:00.000-07:00

My CP and I nearly split up recently. It basically came down to me not feeling appreciated. While I love this man insanely, he doesn't have a very good record of people other people's feelings in front of what he thinks needs to be done. His priorities in the past have definitely been production based, and not focused on forming stable relationships with people. He cares about people, don't get me wrong. But he has focused on getting tasks ticked off a list for his whole life. From his perspective, people should just understand that he has things to get done and not take it personally. I'm relatively sure from being his friend and lover for many years, that this is ingrained in him from an early age from his dad. He doesn't mean to be self absorbed, he just never learned to look at his actions and words from someone else's perspective. In any case, it kind of boiled over and I just kind of gave up. I told him that I was tired of never, not once coming first in his life and I just didn't know if I could do it anymore.

It's the first time I've ever said anything of the sort to him, and I actually surprised myself. Oddly enough, his reaction surprised us both he couldn't stand the thought of losing me. After a lot of talking, and I mean a lot. I agreed to not give up on him, and while I wasn't optimistic about the situation, I trudged on.

Luckily, for everyone involved, things have been remarkably better. We are working together to change his perspective on dealing with people. He has been great at considering my feelings. I'm really happy that I didn't give up. He's won me back over to optimism with hard work and dedication. We've happily passed the 6 month mark and I see more great things on the horizon.

Update. Such a long time

2010-07-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty crazy around here. My husband's CP turned out to be lying to him. She was married, and had swore to him that she had left her husband, when in fact, she had not. Things exploded, and she stayed with her husband. It was so hard for husband, and I really hope that one day he can come here and talk about it.

Things are going pretty well here. It's been up and down and although I should have been here documenting the struggle, I just couldn't bring myself to come here and write about it.

My CP and I have been together for nearly 6 months now. It is pretty awesome. We have so much love for each other. I never could have imagined how amazing our relationship could be.

H and I are still working on things. No one thinks we should be together, yet we are. We love each other and we think that what we have is worth working for, so that is all that matters. It is so hard to try to work through your problems when no one thinks that you should be together anyway.

Relationships are hard, poly relationships are twice as hard, or three times as hard even, but the benefits are also multiplied.

From now on, I think this blog will be a little advice, a little documentation, and a lot of love and family.

My life perfectly described by Erick Baker

2010-04-10T21:52:00.000-07:00

A first breath is taken, and the many pieces of a new life are scattered across the table. However, this puzzle has no picture on the box. No one knows what it's going to become. Many of the pieces will never be used, and there are some that seem to match so perfectly, yet they will never fit together- no matter how hard we try. A lot of pieces will be lost along the way, and there are some that haven't even been found yet. But slowly, often by trying all the wrong pieces, the right ones begin to find their place. Then, just as the image is starting to take form, something comes along and tears out a section of the puzzle that changes it completely, forcing the need to start again. Will it ever be complete? NO. But the consolation is that we have the power to make it whatever we want it to be. The purpose isn't finishing the puzzle. The purpose is finding peace in the pieces we have, and the strength to keep them together. No one knows what this puzzle is going to become, but we are all a part of what is holding the pieces in place.

Confusion

2010-04-08T10:44:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I am completely and totally confused. I was perfectly fine with Husband and BF. There were no gaps that I felt, I wasn't lonely. I didn't feel like I was missing anything. And then a few days ago, I walked into my house bitching about someone's truck being in my way and I met him. The sparks were almost visible to the naked eye. Within an hour, I was smitten. I have never felt like this since I have been an adult. It was like an explosive reaction between to volatile elements. I have no idea what is going on. I just know that I can't get him out of my head. We've had a date and it was awesome. He's nothing like I usually go for and its totally insane. I am usually completely logical about who I fall for and it's never been this instantaneous and I'm just so confused.

Things are a little tense between me and the husband, but I just cant ignore this feeling. I don't know what to do

Equality

2010-04-01T10:59:00.000-07:00

Ok, third blog post of the day. But thanks to the news today about Ana Paquin coming out as bisexual, I felt compelled to write a post on equality.

As a pansexual polyamorist. I relate to the GLBT community, and yet I still don't quite fit. Being even more discriminated against for who I love and choose to be with, how can I not root for equality. Being pansexual, just means that I am attracted to people regardless of gender. Lesser minded people could equate me to being bisexual, but that term leaves out androgynous or trans-gendered individuals. Knowing that there is no way that my poly family will be accepted in any legal way until well after GLBT marriage and equality is accepted, I am an avid supporter of the equality fight.

How in the world is this still an issue? We have made it so far, so very far in equality. I cannot imagine how people can still deny good loving people the right to be happy. Denying equal rights to gay and lesbian couples is as barbaric as thinking blacks are lesser people and interracial marriages should still be illegal. What makes Britney spears 3 day marriage any more sacred than a legitimate gay couple's commitment to each other? It is ridiculous. There are gay and lesbian couples across the country that are spending their lives together without the same rights and benefits of committed couples. They will spend their lives together and then be denied the rights to bury their loved ones or keep possessions or make end of life decisions because of ignorant politicians.

When will people grow up and just let people be happy? Are people really so miserable that they have to spend their time making other people miserable?

Family Dinner

2010-04-01T10:29:00.000-07:00

Well, Today I am cleaning the house like crazy! Somehow, I got roped into cooking dinner for the whole family. And by whole family, I mean my husband,my children, my boyfriend, my husband's girlfriend and her daughter. The only people missing are my boyfriend's kids. Which is sad, but they are off doing super fun things today.

The original dinner plan was for me and my boyfriend, but the the H asked if he could have dinner too and I suggested his GF come by early for dinner too. Then due to scheduling conflicts, her daughter is coming too. Which is completely fine because my kids love her daughter. Everyone has met before, but this will be the first time that there is any real time spent together with my BF in the picture. Due to some bad past choices between him and I, there was some tension between my H and my BF for some time. Things are calming down now, and they are on good terms, but this is the first time they will spend time together in our home. Only the second time they have been together for longer than 5 or 10 minutes. It will be an interesting experience none the less, but I hope that it is at least slightly less awkward than I am thinking it will be.

I am making chicken parmesan with saland and garlic bread. I know, nothing super fancy, but my H is picky and my BF is a fan of all food. So, look forward to the next post of how things went.

Communication in the Poly Relationship

2010-03-23T05:49:00.000-07:00

The most important and effective way to ensure the success of any relationship is communication. This is true tenfold in a poly relationship. I myself, believe that complete honesty is the way. It is quick and easy, albeit sometimes painful. But no one can blame you for being honest. People don't have time for BS and in a poly relationship, this is doubly true.

In a new relationship, communicating in an honest way is so insanely important. If you expect to have a multi-partner relationship with the least amount of arguing and jealousy, then you have to communicate and communicate often. I cannot stress enough how important communication is.

Now, you may think that I spent those first two paragraphs repeating myself, and I did. I did it on purpose because hopefully at some point, you realized, wow, communication seems to be kind of important. Oh, and did I mention communication is important?

If you a jealous, or have feelings of jealous over a partner, partner's partner or potential partner, then say something. Don't be angry, don't be accusative, don't be a bitch about it, let them know. It is important to get it out in the open. If you internalize it, then it will fester and become anger and resentment. A lot of people make the mistake of thinking if they are really poly, and they truly want a poly lifestyle, then they can't get jealous, they can't have an irrational emotional response, but that is not true! People by their nature are emotional, irrational beings, and the difference between being an intelligent being and an animal is recognizing and admitting your feelings and working through them. Throw out the bad ones and share the good ones. Poly is sometimes twice the hard work, but it is also twice the good benefits.

Scheduling - do or do not - there is no try....

2010-03-22T07:07:00.000-07:00

Well, maybe that's not exactly right. Scheduling is very important. When there is more than one person to give your attention to, sometimes things can get very tricky. You really don't want anyone to feel left out, but then again, you don't want anyone to feel trapped or limited by a set in stone schedule either. Communications and understanding is key. Let's start out by talking about my week.

Husband's CP (committed partner) had a very rare 4 day weekend. Normally, we don't devote such huge chunks of time to one partner, but it's a special case. So, there was no ill or even second thought from either of us about her spending a majority of time at the house or out with H. Tomorrow is her last day off, and even though H and I feel like we haven't seen each other in forever already, they are spending tonight and tomorrow together. H actually asked if tomorrow could be and me and him day, and I had to remind him that it is his CP's last day off! After a little scheduling, we are spending Wednesday and Friday together and Tuesday and Thursday with our CP.

Now, its not always an every other day thing, and if something were to come up, things are fluid enough to be changing. So, even if there is a schedule, its never a good idea to enforce a schedule as set in stone because that will start to feel restricting, and in a multi-partner relationship, feeling restricted is almost always a bad thing. And whatever you do, do not start tallying or competing. The worst thing you can do is start saying, "you got this much time with her or you spent this many days with him so I should get this or that". It's not a competition, its a relationship. Relationships take work. The most important thing to remember in scheduling and in the relationship in general is communication. Talk about everything, don't assume anything, but that's another post for another day.

In the beginning there was love...

2010-03-18T12:55:00.000-07:00

and somewhere along the way, society deemed what was right and wrong, what was natural or unnatural and who and how you were to love. Along the way, some of us became piriahs, left outside the accepted ideas of normal and safe. I myself fall into a lot of these categories. I tend not to label myself as labels can become restrictions.

For the sake of the story, I am a twenty something year old wife and for the longest time this was the hardest label for me to accept. I have always had many loves, and failing to understand that there was another choice in life, I always felt broken. Feeling so much love, honestly pure love should not be a bad thing. Since when is caring too much a bad trait? After many failed relationships and long terrible fights with my husband, splitting up and getting back together, we finally believe we've got it right.

What I want out of this blog is just a chance to share my life. To share my joys and my sorrows, my happy days and my sad days in a completely honest way. In doing this, if I can show one person that you can dare to be different and be happy, then all the time I'll put into this will be worth it. I have struggled a long time to be happy and I want to share my riches with masses.