Opening up more...

Not updated in a couple months. Haven't really felt like updating. I do have some updates though. I met D's parents. We went out of state to visit them. Stayed the weekend. They were a bit unsure of the poly relationship, but they seemed to like me alright. I believe that they did like me. We didn't take the husband or the kids. Kind of a slower transition. Maybe next time, we'll take the rest of the family.

We're talking about marriage and kids and all the things that he said he never wanted. His brother's fiance was blown away by his change of attitude and made the comment that it "only takes one girl".

I'm still so happy. I get happier everyday. My husband has an interested party, but it's slow going and hopefully it goes somewhere. It's still really new and not a definite.

More updates to come. Maybe I'll elaborate more later.

WHY SO OVERLY SEXUAL?!

Tiny rant.....poly people being overly sexual in presenting the lifestyle online. I get it, most poly people are all excited about lots of sex. I get it. Some of us, are not. I'm more into connecting and falling in love and being loving and supportive to my partners. I get more excited about holding hands and cuddling and talking than getting into super sexy time. I have some odd fetishes and weird turn-ons, but that's not why I am poly. I'm poly because I love multiple partners, not because I sex multiple partners.

Honestly, I don't care how other people live their lives. Freedom of choice and love and all that. I'm just irritated that a majority of the poly online present is predominantly sexual. In any case, it's just my opinion, and now my lovely pet peeve. As a pet, I shall name it Squibbles.

So, more updates....

I obviously suck at blogging. I do not schedule well. I'm only now seeing that I've actually gotten comments from someone that I really wanted to get to know, and now, my blog hasn't been maintained for months. Over a year since my last update, I guess it's hard to write when you know that no one is reading. I feel as though, I really should write, even if just one person reads it and takes something away from it. If just one person feels less alone in the world, then I guess it's all worth it.

So, in the past year. My boyfriend and I split up. Just wasn't meant to last. We we together for about 14 months or so. We ended pretty amicably, took a long time away from each other, and now we are pretty much friends. There's tension between my ex and my husband, but it's fine. They never were close.

I'm now with a new guy whom we'll call D. We've been together for 6 months. We had a really interesting story. I spent months trying not to fall for him while I was trying to make things work with my ex, and then when my ex decided that he was done. I began talking with my crush about whether or not he would ever consider a poly relationship.

We were already pretty good friends, and things have just fallen into place. Things were so much work with my ex. Every single thing was an issue to be dealt with. With D, it's just life and living. I'm pretty grateful to have him.

We've been together for 6 months. He's met most of my family, my kids love him, he's told his family about us and my husband's family knows about him. My younger sister even told me that she never agreed with my last relationship, but now that she's met D and sees how our family works, she totally understands now.

Not all relationships work, some are meant to teach you things and then end, so you'll be better prepared for the next. I know that my ex and I weren't suppose to be forever, but it taught me what it needed to and then it was over and I'll never regret it.

Long distance relationship

Do they work?

I have no idea, but I am in the process of starting one. I think. I met a wonderful guy on a social network, and things just clicked. I don't know why or how. It just happened.

Long distance relationships just scare the crap out of me. To me, LDR just means "someone to occupy my time until I find someone closer". I have never really felt secure in a long distance relationship, and I don't feel secure in this long distance crush either. In any case, I guess I am riding it out to see where it goes.

Here's hoping that the ride is worth the heartbreak.

8 months and counting.

Well, it is going on 8 months since we dove headfirst into this poly relationship as a last ditch effort to make things work. The first few months were hell, it nearly all fell to pieces more than once, but things have since calmed down and everyday life has pretty much taken over. For me and my family, my husband and my boyfriend and my children, things are just about as normal as they ever were.

Sometimes, it still seems so surreal to me. I find myself getting lost in thought, wondering how in the world I got here. Wondering how in the world, I ended up with my two greatest loves, getting to keep them both, not having to sacrifice what was in my heart for what was expected of me. It hits me hardest during the quiet times, laying on my boyfriend's chest, I will silently debate in my mind whether or not this is some crazy dream.

I have loved both of these men for so long. I never even chanced to dream that this would be a reality one day. I never for one second, believed that I would be able to be happy in life. For my whole life, I have been told that I am wrong, broken, different and I needed to conform. I nearly gave up. I nearly died inside trying to conform.

Luckily, I had these two wonderful men, who could see me for who I was and accepted me fully. They built me back up, gave me the confidence to stand up and be who I was. They loved me not despite my differences, but because of them. Someone once told me that I must be "one hell of a woman" to have two men. I don't think I am. I don't think that I am anything more than the next girl. If I am anything, I am just luckier than most.

If there is anything that I do that contributes to being able to maintain a relationship like this it is the fact that I give all that I can and expect little back in return. That doesn't mean that I just take abuse and neglect, I don't. I don't have to, I just love without expectations. I don't expect my love to change either of my partners. I fell in love with all of them, every one of their quirks, flaws, and personality traits. I support them in what they wish to change in themselves or what they stand for.

Other guy friends say that it's my confidence and attitude that make it so easy for people to fall for me. I would have never been so confident if it weren't for the support I get everyday from my husband and my boyfriend, whom is also my best friend. I wouldn't be anything without them.

Maybe I am laying in a coma somewhere after so horrible accident and this is my dream life. Like, that one episode of Bones, where Booth is in a coma and he's living his fantasy life with Brennan.

Yeah, I get that most people's fantasy life would include not struggling with money, or bills, or crazy exs but that's not how I roll. All I need in life is love and family and that is what I have. I have attained my goals in life. Now, all I have to do is keep them intact as I deal with what life throws at me. I think I have a good start.

Icons

So, I am always looking for icons, avatars and graphics to send on social networking sites, but being poly makes most of those just seem silly. "Your the only one for me" just doesn't work for me. You know? So, being a dabbler in the graphic design biz, I decided to give it a go. Being busy and easily distractable. I've only got one icon done so far, but here it is.

Dating. The harder you try, the worse it is.

As it has been stated, I have two committed partners and I'm very happy and very much in love with the both of them. The thing is, I didn't mean for this to happen. It just did. I fell in love with my CP completely by accident. Being poly isn't something that I went out looking for, it's just something that was. It has always been easy for me to fall in love, and struggling against it while trying to stay monogamous nearly broke me as a person. All of the low points in my life, were caused by the inner turmoil of feeling like I was broken. That something was wrong with me, that I would never be happy. It was such a crushing, suffocating, deadly pain to know that I had a nearly perfect man who loved me and wanted to give me the world that gave me all of himself, and it still wasn't good enough. Yet, if I tried to leave, I was equally as tormented without him.

When I fell in love with my CP. That feeling of being broken and feeling so lost and torn faded and eventually left me completely. I finally felt like a whole human being. I finally felt alive and living. I didn't feel like I was merely existing anymore.

So, having found such happiness and completeness in being poly, you would think I would be all for my partners finding such happiness for themselves, right? Well, not really. I am supportive, I want my CPs to find other partners to share their love with and to share their life with, but I am not okay with the way the feel the need to go about it.

Both my husband and my CP feel the need to go actively searching for another partner. They stress about it. Join dating sites, put out ads. They are depressed that there pursuits aren't panning out. They wonder why no one wants them or why they can't get a date. And I'm left here comforting them, trying to be compassionate and soothe their broken egos, while inside I'm screaming "LOOK, I'M HERE. WHY IS MY LOVE NOT ENOUGH!!"

In the past, I have drawn great pleasure from one of my partners being in a relationship with another. With this experience to draw from, I am very confidant that the feelings I am dealing with aren't the normal jealousy one feels in a relationship. I hesitate to even name these feelings because to me they aren't really jealousy, but maybe more like disappointment, but not really.

I have never fallen in love with someone that I was actively looking for. I fall in love quite easily, but it always starts out as friends. I meet someone new and interesting and we become friends and the more I talk, the more I fall. I guess, it's just my disappointment with their impatience of wanting something more. It hurts me that they can't just let things fall into place and leaves me feeling inadequate. I know without a shadow of a doubt that they both will find loving relationships outside of the ones we share, and I know when the time comes I will be so happy for them. They are both such amazing men. They have so much to offer, but are so focused on attaining a goal, not developing a relationship. That they just can't focus on what they have and be happy in knowing that they ARE worth something. They are worth the world to me. I would be lost without them.

To me, it feels like they are dooming themselves from the start. By focusing on the goal of meeting a person for a specific intention, they are limiting themselves and putting undue pressure on all potential meetings. It hurts me to see them hurt, and it just seems like I am powerless to stop this constant stream of blows to their own self confidence. I wish they could just see themselves through my eyes for one moment, and realize that they just need to be themselves and things will fall into place. I wish is that they could focus on what they do have a little more and less on what they don't have. I just want them to be happy.